CYCLES

"If the world seems cold to you, kindle fire to warm it."

- Lucy Larcom, hymnist

In re-reading my last post of roughly six weeks ago, the world appeared cold to me. Lately I have come through disorganization, limited despair, and worries I believed (at the time) I had no control over. Which has led me to the above quote: "If the world seems cold to you, kindle fire to warm it."
I did not knowingly kindle fire, what I did was walk through the mental fatigue brought on by the obstacles seemingly beyond my control. I held on, then let go, then moved on, all in the simple act of waking up each day and living it.
So maybe kindling the fire is achieved by the simple act of walking through each day we are given, at the pace we find suitable for that particular day, then laying our head on the pillow at night in the knowledge that today we lived......AMEN

What AM I doing?

"The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it."

- William James, philosopher and psychologist

I am pondering, no, not pondering, but rather steeped in the weight of brokeness that surrounds me and distracts me. In a state of flux setting up repairs and performing the labor I can handle myself keeps me busy, tired, broke and depressed. Not enough time to think about spending my life for something that will outlast it. Would that my life was that simple. That is my initial reaction to the words of wisdom from dear William James.

On deeper reflection I realize that my troubles are very convenient, they change the focus of my life. Could it be I am happy being troubled and I am setting up troubles, just to stay troubled? That's a lot of trouble in one sentence and in one life....... Perish the thought.

But, I think I may be on to something here. Life is simply Cause and Effect, no?
If I maintain things before they break life would be a whole lot easier and less expensive. And apart from that, who am I to question William James? Though I would love to be afforded that opportunity. Maybe in my next life....

THE UNIVERSE IS ALWAYS SPEAKING

Ever had one of those weeks? Well this has been one for me. A woodchuck is happily undermining my garage, so I spent $90 on a trap which I filled with woodchuck treats and he is blithely walking past it each day to the tunnel under the garage. On top of that ds sprained his ankle around the digging area.

The computer crashed at the office, after spending four hours on the phone with some really wonderful ( and I do mean that) Dell techs, I stayed till 6:30 pm Friday night and returned at 9.00 am Saturday morning thru 1.00 pm and the diagnostic test was still running when I left. There is a potential for a complete loss of two hard drives and 20 years of info, which was supposed to be totally secure because we have 2 hard drives, one to back-up the other. My fingers and toes are crossed that the files are not corrupted.

Coming home my old car begins grinding on the left side. I know not what it is, but suspect brakes, perhaps. On dropping it off at my mechanics, he says we need to upgrade you. I know, I know, but tell my pocket book that please.
I feel like life is spiralling down this week, all when I am reading the Power of Attraction....ha.

Then as always the Universe whispers to me in this quote I found minutes ago.

" All problems become smaller if you don't dodge them, but confront them. Touch a thistle timidly, and it pricks you; grasp it boldly and its spines crumble."

- William S. Halsey, WWII U.S. Admiral

SO being the Scot that I am by birth...Braveheart spirit and awe that. I grab the thistle..... boldly. Crumble spines, crumble problems, crumble lack.

THE MEASURE OF A WOMAN

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Martin Luther King.

Well, today I stand in times of my own personal challenge and controversy. I have been fighting my weight for many years now, half-heartedly I'll admit, but sparring none the less. Today I was perusing WW again..... to go, or not to go, that is the question..... how many times have I failed in the past and ended up heavier than I was before I joined. The lamentations began in my head, defeat, failure, followed by surrender to both. I bought a scale on the way home.....got on it tonight....Arrrrgggghhhhhhh.
My sparring with weight, is not such a weighty issue after all, methinks it is a way for me to avoid life's weighty issues. Challenge and controversy my obesity? I think not, not in the grand scheme of things. It is in fact rather self-centered.
Time to stop using the issue to deflect responsibility. "Wish me luck, as you wave me goodbye." For I am off on another weight loss oddessy....will it last longer than a few days? I pray it will, I am sick and tired, of being sick and tired and fat.
Onward into the breach I go......It is sooooo hard to take that first step, again, but there we go, I did it! Didn't I?

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE

Yesterday I was meditating on accepting lifes' trials and finding the blessing in them. And as I noted the death of a loved one was bereft of blessings to me. Well, I headed for my Sunday trip to Walmart and was pulled into the book section. I perused the magazine section; recipes, beadwork, knitting....nope I don't need one more craft magazine, I thought. As a began to leave I picked up a book thumbed through it, and there before me was a few words on the bottom of the page about finding a blessing in the death of a loved one. A slap on the head... I know not to ignore the Universe when it reaches out to me. So I purchased the book and began reading it. No rushing to the page containing the answer I was seeking. Instead I began at the beginning and will see what unfolds. It is so affirming when this happens. The thousand helping hands of Joseph Campbell's writings reaching out to help. Everytime it happens I never fail to be amazed.

BLESSING ?

"Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."
— Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

"All events are blessing given to us to learn from" quite a statement. And often lost in the midst of a life event that bring pain and confusion. In retrospect one may find the lesson, if one is open to the possibilty. For me it was a long journey to finally look on everything as blessing me. And still I find myself looking for the blessing in losing a loved one. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross the scholar of death and dying wrote this, so I need to look deeper, I guess, to find the blessing in death. It is not apparent to me today.

TIME FLIES....

"Time is a traveler. Where did it go? It left, but it didn't leave you empty handed. No! It left you with the gift of beautiful memories, that you can keep in your heart for safe keeping, to cherish forever, and ever."
— Jane Adams

Weeks are flying by quicker and quicker these days. Monday begins and before I know it it is Friday once again. With age the days grow swift. No more endless days of childhood where one whiled away the hours looking for slamaders, lying on your back watching the clouds drift by, puff dandelion seeds and watch them glide and spin on the breeze, look for forget-me-nots and four leaf clovers. Well, wait a minute it is warm and sunny outside today, it is Saturday how about taking a minute, or two, or three to lie in the grass look for angels in the clouds and may even a four leafed clover!!! No one said some the memories can't be reinacted did they???? I'm off.....see ya later.....

COMPLICATING CHANGE?

"Maintaining a complicated life is a great way to avoid changing it."
— Elaine St. James

I cannot avoid acknowledging the truth in this quote. My life is filled with self-made complications, busy doing this, busy doing that, holding onto things I no longer need, stashing things here and there making cleaning and organization seemingly impossible. Adding on, adding on, adding on, until one becomes buried in nothingness, but as long as I am buried in "to do's" I can rationalize "not doing." I do not even know where to begin.....
It must be a disorder, this state of disorder that keeps me in a state of avoidance. Change...is it that scary???? Complications.....are they so great???? HELP!!!!!!!

STANDING STILL?

"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still."

- Chinese Proverb

Be afraid of standing still? Well these days I have no fear of standing still, maybe I should. It seems many things have been standing still all winter, including me. But today as I worked in the garden I noticed the plants are budding, the hydrangeas have buds, the Rose of Sharons' have buds, the dogwood has buds...and the brave daffoldils are already lifting their shining yellow faces towards the azure blue sky
So maybe, it may appear that we are standing still, when in fact we are growing on the inside, getting ready to set bud, slowly. Pondering that idea, methinks perhaps I have not been standing still at all, dormant yes, gathering strength to give birth to a new me as is the Spring time ritual for all life that rests and re-groups through winter's chill.

LISTEN, LISTEN.

I am not imagining it, I wish as was, as I am growing older I find thirty and forty somethings are taking me less seriously. Barely tolerating is the vibe I sense most days.
The funny thing is they are taking themselves altogether much too seriously. Life is so stressful for them you see, I don't understand. They have to do this, and that, and go here, and there, and there isn't enough time or money for it all, etc. etc.etc. By their own definition, their life is more stressful than mine, their problems are more serious than mine, their days are more difficult than mine. So they live out their beliefs and tell me I just don't understand.
What I do understand is this; as women move into their fifties, they find freedom, after they deal with letting their forties go, and letting their child bearing years go, letting their children go, letting elasticty go, letting the dream that they can fight gravity go, and finally letting the deep grief for all that is passing go.
These great losses are followed by a wonderful awakening to the freedom of the aging process. I no longer am bothered by "not getting it" cos' you know what I do, and I did what you now do, and where I am now is so, so much better, achy knee and all..... But I can't explain that to you, cos' you think I am some old fart who doesn't understand......

ACCEPTANCE

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
— Victor Frankl

Three years of widowhood... it has changed over time, but remains no less lonely and no less empty. But as Victor Frankl said, it is a challange to deal with and an offering of change that I cannot ingnore any longer.

I am holding on less to the old life and reaching out more to the new, even though the new is a progresion into old age, of which my bosses remind me at least once a week. But I cannot fight time. Scrapping my way through has been my ilk in life. I grow tired of my deep routed independence. As I lose my physical strength I find myself at a crossroads....will may no longer take me the rest of the way....

SWEET. SOUR, BITTER, PUNGENT

SWEET. SOUR, BITTER, PUNGENT ALL MUST BE TASTED.
Chinese Proverb

I have been living in life's sour zone (of late).....bitter on the tongue but not in the heart. Now life is sweet, I know that for sure. But sour is the the flavor of the near past and present for me.
So, the Universe reaches out to me today, as it is want to do when I begin to dawdle in self-pity. It whispers in my ear; sweet, sour, bitter, pungent is the alchemy of life. ALL MUST BE TASTED.
I am moving out of sour today. Balance is in order, sweet, sour, bitter, pungent.... all compliment each other, combined they tantalize the taste buds and heighten the senses. Now for the fun of finding just the right combination for a gold star recipe.

DEPTH?????

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE LENGTH OF YOUR LIFE. BUT, YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE WIDTH AND DEPTH OF IT.

I haven't been doing to much about the Length and Depth of anything these days, particulary my life. I am finding that having lost my husband 3 years ago, does not seem like three years ago but more like thirty years ago, because I hold on to the loss everyday. Not at all what he would have wanted me to do. In fact directly the opposite of what he wanted. So in death I continue to defy him as I did in life.
"Holding on" allows me to permit myself to be in control and re-live the pain and guilt I believe I earned. Control is a big issue for me. It began with Da's drinking and my self-righteous defiance, trying to make him stop, and when he wouldn't stop, make him suffer by questioning his integrity.
I continued that pattern in my marriage, marrying a gambler, I assured the continuance of my behavior by becoming a self-righteous, totally independent, and invulnerable, wife.
I am tired of the life script I have written, it doesn't not bring happiness or peace. Self-righteousness is not an asset, and vulnerabilty is not weakness. My life has been "less than" because I have rejected these truths.
So may be, it is not too late. To find truth, to find peace, to find me.

IN THE DEPTHS OF WINTER

"In the depths of winter, I finally found there was in me an invincible summer."

- Albert Camus, author

Lots of snow is on the way tonight, not that snow is not beautiful mind you. But as winter draws on sometimes I find myself dragging. The season seems too long, too cold, too expensive to heat the home, etc. etc. etc. A dear friend of mine, going through tough times, shared similar burdens with myself and others this morning. I told her, from my heart, this too shall pass, and she is, without a doubt, more than strong enough to weather any storm.
Then I checked my mail, and serendipity throws the above quote my way. An unrequested validation of the beliefs I had just shared with my friend, and a reminder of a ephiphany past, when I realized that by going within I will find everything I seek.
In ME there IS an invicible summer. At times it may become blanketed by my insecurities and fears. But brush them aside and there it is, shining in the golden July sun, My Invincible Summer warming my soul.

AS I WALKED OUT ONE EVENING

As I Walked Out One Evening
by W. H. Auden

As I walked out one evening,
Walking down Bristol Street,
The crowds upon the pavement
Were fields of harvest wheat.

And down by the brimming river
I heard a lover sing
Under an arch of the railway:
'Love has no ending.

'I'll love you, dear, I'll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps over the mountain
And the salmon sing in the street,

'I'll love you till the ocean
Is folded and hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

'The years shall run like rabbits,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.'

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
'O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.

'In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

'In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.

'Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver's brilliant bow.

'O plunge your hands in water,
Plunge them in up to the wrist;
Stare, stare in the basin
And wonder what you've missed.

'The glacier knocks in the cupboard,
The desert sighs in the bed,
And the crack in the tea-cup opens
A lane to the land of the dead.

'Where the beggars raffle the banknotes
And the Giant is enchanting to Jack,
And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,
And Jill goes down on her back.

'O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

'O stand, stand at the window
As the tears scald and start;
You shall love your crooked neighbour
With your crooked heart.'

It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on. style="font-weight:bold;">

DEBT....

This year I made up my mind to get a hold on my finances. I even bought a Suze Orman DVD (with my credit card of course) to give me tips on how to do that. Stop charging, cut up the cards and keep lowering the balance each month is the synopsis of the DVD. Didn't I know that? Of course I did! So why was I compelled to charge her DVD, on credit, to verify knowledge I already have????
Suze says it's all about valuing oneself, so this month I ordered her latest book, on my credit card, to delve deeper into how love myself without going into debt....anyone see an irony emerging here?
My money is still on Suze to help me climb up the side of the hole I find myself in and reaching the top full of self-worth, with money hanging out of my pockets. In the meantime I can't cut up ALL of the cards until she stops offering me her bedazzling financial advice via DVD and/or self-help books.
Next year maybe........ I will get a hold on my finances........

A DAY OFF

How precious a day off is, and thanks to two President's past I have one today! No shady rill for me today, it is close to zero degrees. The cold, cold wind wraps around you as you walk outside, whispering in your ear of the dangers it holds. But it is sparkling out there, the very essence of winter. The ice shines like crystals reflecting the prizms of light it catches from the cool white sun.
This is why I love those wonderful Victorian paper ornaments of people wrapped in white ermine and dusted with glitter. This is the world of Winter in all her glory. Cool, irridescent and deadly. Nature cleansing herself. Global warming today, seems very far away!