DEPTH?????

YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE LENGTH OF YOUR LIFE. BUT, YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE WIDTH AND DEPTH OF IT.

I haven't been doing to much about the Length and Depth of anything these days, particulary my life. I am finding that having lost my husband 3 years ago, does not seem like three years ago but more like thirty years ago, because I hold on to the loss everyday. Not at all what he would have wanted me to do. In fact directly the opposite of what he wanted. So in death I continue to defy him as I did in life.
"Holding on" allows me to permit myself to be in control and re-live the pain and guilt I believe I earned. Control is a big issue for me. It began with Da's drinking and my self-righteous defiance, trying to make him stop, and when he wouldn't stop, make him suffer by questioning his integrity.
I continued that pattern in my marriage, marrying a gambler, I assured the continuance of my behavior by becoming a self-righteous, totally independent, and invulnerable, wife.
I am tired of the life script I have written, it doesn't not bring happiness or peace. Self-righteousness is not an asset, and vulnerabilty is not weakness. My life has been "less than" because I have rejected these truths.
So may be, it is not too late. To find truth, to find peace, to find me.