GOING ON...... four years later

Having fallen into apathetic routine was inevitable knowing my past history. Stumbling forwards and sometimes backwards through widowhood has stretched my resolve to breaking point, at times, and worse than feeling ready to break, it also brings a deep sense of apathy more often than I would like. Add to that the aging process which brings it's own threats and one can feel like one is under siege.
I don't like the sense of being a victim that creeps into my mind at regular intervals. I won't accept it. I know not from whence it comes. But, I know it stalks me. I reject it, yet the unease as it cloaks me in for a moment or two is both uncomfortable and unsettling. Although rejected it still leaves a haunting question mark in my sense of peace.
I celebrate widows everywhere who struggle as I do, to find a meaningful life in being the one left behind, the survivor. No easy task, but one filled with challenges, discoveries, tears of both joy and sorrow.
Life is but a series of letting go......and perhaps that is the biggest lesson of all.

CYCLES

"If the world seems cold to you, kindle fire to warm it."

- Lucy Larcom, hymnist

In re-reading my last post of roughly six weeks ago, the world appeared cold to me. Lately I have come through disorganization, limited despair, and worries I believed (at the time) I had no control over. Which has led me to the above quote: "If the world seems cold to you, kindle fire to warm it."
I did not knowingly kindle fire, what I did was walk through the mental fatigue brought on by the obstacles seemingly beyond my control. I held on, then let go, then moved on, all in the simple act of waking up each day and living it.
So maybe kindling the fire is achieved by the simple act of walking through each day we are given, at the pace we find suitable for that particular day, then laying our head on the pillow at night in the knowledge that today we lived......AMEN

What AM I doing?

"The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it."

- William James, philosopher and psychologist

I am pondering, no, not pondering, but rather steeped in the weight of brokeness that surrounds me and distracts me. In a state of flux setting up repairs and performing the labor I can handle myself keeps me busy, tired, broke and depressed. Not enough time to think about spending my life for something that will outlast it. Would that my life was that simple. That is my initial reaction to the words of wisdom from dear William James.

On deeper reflection I realize that my troubles are very convenient, they change the focus of my life. Could it be I am happy being troubled and I am setting up troubles, just to stay troubled? That's a lot of trouble in one sentence and in one life....... Perish the thought.

But, I think I may be on to something here. Life is simply Cause and Effect, no?
If I maintain things before they break life would be a whole lot easier and less expensive. And apart from that, who am I to question William James? Though I would love to be afforded that opportunity. Maybe in my next life....

THE UNIVERSE IS ALWAYS SPEAKING

Ever had one of those weeks? Well this has been one for me. A woodchuck is happily undermining my garage, so I spent $90 on a trap which I filled with woodchuck treats and he is blithely walking past it each day to the tunnel under the garage. On top of that ds sprained his ankle around the digging area.

The computer crashed at the office, after spending four hours on the phone with some really wonderful ( and I do mean that) Dell techs, I stayed till 6:30 pm Friday night and returned at 9.00 am Saturday morning thru 1.00 pm and the diagnostic test was still running when I left. There is a potential for a complete loss of two hard drives and 20 years of info, which was supposed to be totally secure because we have 2 hard drives, one to back-up the other. My fingers and toes are crossed that the files are not corrupted.

Coming home my old car begins grinding on the left side. I know not what it is, but suspect brakes, perhaps. On dropping it off at my mechanics, he says we need to upgrade you. I know, I know, but tell my pocket book that please.
I feel like life is spiralling down this week, all when I am reading the Power of Attraction....ha.

Then as always the Universe whispers to me in this quote I found minutes ago.

" All problems become smaller if you don't dodge them, but confront them. Touch a thistle timidly, and it pricks you; grasp it boldly and its spines crumble."

- William S. Halsey, WWII U.S. Admiral

SO being the Scot that I am by birth...Braveheart spirit and awe that. I grab the thistle..... boldly. Crumble spines, crumble problems, crumble lack.

THE MEASURE OF A WOMAN

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Martin Luther King.

Well, today I stand in times of my own personal challenge and controversy. I have been fighting my weight for many years now, half-heartedly I'll admit, but sparring none the less. Today I was perusing WW again..... to go, or not to go, that is the question..... how many times have I failed in the past and ended up heavier than I was before I joined. The lamentations began in my head, defeat, failure, followed by surrender to both. I bought a scale on the way home.....got on it tonight....Arrrrgggghhhhhhh.
My sparring with weight, is not such a weighty issue after all, methinks it is a way for me to avoid life's weighty issues. Challenge and controversy my obesity? I think not, not in the grand scheme of things. It is in fact rather self-centered.
Time to stop using the issue to deflect responsibility. "Wish me luck, as you wave me goodbye." For I am off on another weight loss oddessy....will it last longer than a few days? I pray it will, I am sick and tired, of being sick and tired and fat.
Onward into the breach I go......It is sooooo hard to take that first step, again, but there we go, I did it! Didn't I?

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE

Yesterday I was meditating on accepting lifes' trials and finding the blessing in them. And as I noted the death of a loved one was bereft of blessings to me. Well, I headed for my Sunday trip to Walmart and was pulled into the book section. I perused the magazine section; recipes, beadwork, knitting....nope I don't need one more craft magazine, I thought. As a began to leave I picked up a book thumbed through it, and there before me was a few words on the bottom of the page about finding a blessing in the death of a loved one. A slap on the head... I know not to ignore the Universe when it reaches out to me. So I purchased the book and began reading it. No rushing to the page containing the answer I was seeking. Instead I began at the beginning and will see what unfolds. It is so affirming when this happens. The thousand helping hands of Joseph Campbell's writings reaching out to help. Everytime it happens I never fail to be amazed.

BLESSING ?

"Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."
— Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

"All events are blessing given to us to learn from" quite a statement. And often lost in the midst of a life event that bring pain and confusion. In retrospect one may find the lesson, if one is open to the possibilty. For me it was a long journey to finally look on everything as blessing me. And still I find myself looking for the blessing in losing a loved one. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross the scholar of death and dying wrote this, so I need to look deeper, I guess, to find the blessing in death. It is not apparent to me today.