ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE

Yesterday I was meditating on accepting lifes' trials and finding the blessing in them. And as I noted the death of a loved one was bereft of blessings to me. Well, I headed for my Sunday trip to Walmart and was pulled into the book section. I perused the magazine section; recipes, beadwork, knitting....nope I don't need one more craft magazine, I thought. As a began to leave I picked up a book thumbed through it, and there before me was a few words on the bottom of the page about finding a blessing in the death of a loved one. A slap on the head... I know not to ignore the Universe when it reaches out to me. So I purchased the book and began reading it. No rushing to the page containing the answer I was seeking. Instead I began at the beginning and will see what unfolds. It is so affirming when this happens. The thousand helping hands of Joseph Campbell's writings reaching out to help. Everytime it happens I never fail to be amazed.

BLESSING ?

"Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."
— Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

"All events are blessing given to us to learn from" quite a statement. And often lost in the midst of a life event that bring pain and confusion. In retrospect one may find the lesson, if one is open to the possibilty. For me it was a long journey to finally look on everything as blessing me. And still I find myself looking for the blessing in losing a loved one. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross the scholar of death and dying wrote this, so I need to look deeper, I guess, to find the blessing in death. It is not apparent to me today.

TIME FLIES....

"Time is a traveler. Where did it go? It left, but it didn't leave you empty handed. No! It left you with the gift of beautiful memories, that you can keep in your heart for safe keeping, to cherish forever, and ever."
— Jane Adams

Weeks are flying by quicker and quicker these days. Monday begins and before I know it it is Friday once again. With age the days grow swift. No more endless days of childhood where one whiled away the hours looking for slamaders, lying on your back watching the clouds drift by, puff dandelion seeds and watch them glide and spin on the breeze, look for forget-me-nots and four leaf clovers. Well, wait a minute it is warm and sunny outside today, it is Saturday how about taking a minute, or two, or three to lie in the grass look for angels in the clouds and may even a four leafed clover!!! No one said some the memories can't be reinacted did they???? I'm off.....see ya later.....

COMPLICATING CHANGE?

"Maintaining a complicated life is a great way to avoid changing it."
— Elaine St. James

I cannot avoid acknowledging the truth in this quote. My life is filled with self-made complications, busy doing this, busy doing that, holding onto things I no longer need, stashing things here and there making cleaning and organization seemingly impossible. Adding on, adding on, adding on, until one becomes buried in nothingness, but as long as I am buried in "to do's" I can rationalize "not doing." I do not even know where to begin.....
It must be a disorder, this state of disorder that keeps me in a state of avoidance. Change...is it that scary???? Complications.....are they so great???? HELP!!!!!!!

STANDING STILL?

"Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still."

- Chinese Proverb

Be afraid of standing still? Well these days I have no fear of standing still, maybe I should. It seems many things have been standing still all winter, including me. But today as I worked in the garden I noticed the plants are budding, the hydrangeas have buds, the Rose of Sharons' have buds, the dogwood has buds...and the brave daffoldils are already lifting their shining yellow faces towards the azure blue sky
So maybe, it may appear that we are standing still, when in fact we are growing on the inside, getting ready to set bud, slowly. Pondering that idea, methinks perhaps I have not been standing still at all, dormant yes, gathering strength to give birth to a new me as is the Spring time ritual for all life that rests and re-groups through winter's chill.

LISTEN, LISTEN.

I am not imagining it, I wish as was, as I am growing older I find thirty and forty somethings are taking me less seriously. Barely tolerating is the vibe I sense most days.
The funny thing is they are taking themselves altogether much too seriously. Life is so stressful for them you see, I don't understand. They have to do this, and that, and go here, and there, and there isn't enough time or money for it all, etc. etc.etc. By their own definition, their life is more stressful than mine, their problems are more serious than mine, their days are more difficult than mine. So they live out their beliefs and tell me I just don't understand.
What I do understand is this; as women move into their fifties, they find freedom, after they deal with letting their forties go, and letting their child bearing years go, letting their children go, letting elasticty go, letting the dream that they can fight gravity go, and finally letting the deep grief for all that is passing go.
These great losses are followed by a wonderful awakening to the freedom of the aging process. I no longer am bothered by "not getting it" cos' you know what I do, and I did what you now do, and where I am now is so, so much better, achy knee and all..... But I can't explain that to you, cos' you think I am some old fart who doesn't understand......

ACCEPTANCE

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
— Victor Frankl

Three years of widowhood... it has changed over time, but remains no less lonely and no less empty. But as Victor Frankl said, it is a challange to deal with and an offering of change that I cannot ingnore any longer.

I am holding on less to the old life and reaching out more to the new, even though the new is a progresion into old age, of which my bosses remind me at least once a week. But I cannot fight time. Scrapping my way through has been my ilk in life. I grow tired of my deep routed independence. As I lose my physical strength I find myself at a crossroads....will may no longer take me the rest of the way....