As 2010 draws to a close I confront another loss in my life. A sad loss, yet a merciful loss. How does one resolve that? My brother in law passed away yesterday after a long journey with illness, too young to leave, but too ill to remain.
I have struggled with that fact of life since I suffered my first loss at 4 years old and my "dearest Aunt Isa" passed away at 30 years of age. Her spirit was strong and the body weak. But at 4 years old I could not understand the illness the took her away. I just felt the deep sense of loss.
At 21 years of age I lost my father to cancer in his 58th year, this time I blessed the end of his suffering and tried to help my mother cope with her grief.
I lost my mum and my best friend at 52. We had a lifetime together after Da passed away and we became sometime combatants, then friends and finally sisters of the heart. She was the dearest friend I ever had.
At 58 I lost my husband, a more complex relationship for sure, but his passing was accompanied by deep, deep pain and a long lingering grief.
Two years later I lost my husband's sister, the strong woman and dear close friend who held me up on days that I could not find my own strength to do so.
Then yesterday her husband moved on.
My brother told me at my mother's death that my weeping was not for my mother, but for myself and my loss. And he was most likely correct, for is that not what grief is? The longing to look upon the departed's face, to smell them, to feel their touch, to hear their voice just one more time. All very self-centered I am sure. Yet all of those longings will forever remain just that....longings.....and in those longings there is an abyss of sadness.
When death visits, as death will, it brings a flood of memories and pain of past losses. Makes me once again ponder the strength adversity offers and accept it or not we survive.
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