SWEET. SOUR, BITTER, PUNGENT ALL MUST BE TASTED.
Chinese Proverb
I have been living in life's sour zone (of late).....bitter on the tongue but not in the heart. Now life is sweet, I know that for sure. But sour is the the flavor of the near past and present for me.
So, the Universe reaches out to me today, as it is want to do when I begin to dawdle in self-pity. It whispers in my ear; sweet, sour, bitter, pungent is the alchemy of life. ALL MUST BE TASTED.
I am moving out of sour today. Balance is in order, sweet, sour, bitter, pungent.... all compliment each other, combined they tantalize the taste buds and heighten the senses. Now for the fun of finding just the right combination for a gold star recipe.
Friday, March 16, 2007
DEPTH?????
YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE LENGTH OF YOUR LIFE. BUT, YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE WIDTH AND DEPTH OF IT.
I haven't been doing to much about the Length and Depth of anything these days, particulary my life. I am finding that having lost my husband 3 years ago, does not seem like three years ago but more like thirty years ago, because I hold on to the loss everyday. Not at all what he would have wanted me to do. In fact directly the opposite of what he wanted. So in death I continue to defy him as I did in life.
"Holding on" allows me to permit myself to be in control and re-live the pain and guilt I believe I earned. Control is a big issue for me. It began with Da's drinking and my self-righteous defiance, trying to make him stop, and when he wouldn't stop, make him suffer by questioning his integrity.
I continued that pattern in my marriage, marrying a gambler, I assured the continuance of my behavior by becoming a self-righteous, totally independent, and invulnerable, wife.
I am tired of the life script I have written, it doesn't not bring happiness or peace. Self-righteousness is not an asset, and vulnerabilty is not weakness. My life has been "less than" because I have rejected these truths.
So may be, it is not too late. To find truth, to find peace, to find me.
I haven't been doing to much about the Length and Depth of anything these days, particulary my life. I am finding that having lost my husband 3 years ago, does not seem like three years ago but more like thirty years ago, because I hold on to the loss everyday. Not at all what he would have wanted me to do. In fact directly the opposite of what he wanted. So in death I continue to defy him as I did in life.
"Holding on" allows me to permit myself to be in control and re-live the pain and guilt I believe I earned. Control is a big issue for me. It began with Da's drinking and my self-righteous defiance, trying to make him stop, and when he wouldn't stop, make him suffer by questioning his integrity.
I continued that pattern in my marriage, marrying a gambler, I assured the continuance of my behavior by becoming a self-righteous, totally independent, and invulnerable, wife.
I am tired of the life script I have written, it doesn't not bring happiness or peace. Self-righteousness is not an asset, and vulnerabilty is not weakness. My life has been "less than" because I have rejected these truths.
So may be, it is not too late. To find truth, to find peace, to find me.
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