I was very sick over the holidays...... hospital sick in fact. But in my normal stubborn, stoic Scottish way I would not give in and go to the emergency room, or the doctor. I toughed it out, was a "good wee soldier" like I was expected to be as a child and in fact revisited my childhood memories of fear and vulnerability. All the more potent with no sense of emotional, or physical back-up from a caretaker.
Art Linkletter said "old age ain't for cissies", but in my experience of late, widowhood is only one step behind the challenge of old age. At no time did I experience such a deep sense of fear than in the middle of the night, when was sick and alone. Oh sure I could have called someone, but it was the holidays and people were busy making merry. No one wants a wet blanket call at holiday time. Solitude can be comforting at times. but it can also be an unwelcome companion. But welcome or not, it has to be accepted and embraced in order to find peace and comfort within it.
So here I am one week past the health crisis, on the mend, still alone, still feeling a sense of unease, yet still standing. And, still a stubborn stoic...........
Amen.............
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